"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation."
"What if?" That seems to be the question of the hour in my life as of late. As many of you know my husband, Brandon, is currently playing Minor League Baseball in the Milwaukee Brewers Organization. I do not have the time (or even an adequate enough understanding of it all) to explain what exactly this looks like for him and for our marriage and our future. What I can tell you with great confidence, though, is that my daily vocabulary and thought life is not lacking in "What ifs?" In fact, there are a few conversations that Brandon and I have at least every other day where I'm sure I sound just like a broken record (not that I've ever heard anything played from a record ... but you get the idea).
Here's a little glimpse of what my side of the conversation usually sounds like ... and I can only wish I was being dramatic.
"What if _________?"
"Right, I understand. But then what if _________?"
"Yeah, that's true. But what if _________?"
"Yes, I know I need to trust the Lord..... But what about ________?"
"Are you getting frustrated with me? No? You have a crazy amount of patience? Great. Because What if _?"
Until finally Brandon says something abounding with love and gentleness like, "Babe, have you spend much time with the Lord today?"
And sometimes my answer is no. But what's even scarier is that sometimes my answer is yes! And I'm still going crazy in my self-absorbed, untrusting "what if" little world! Naturally I start thinking, "What if I am the only person that is this crazy?" (It's fine if you're shaking your head at me - I'm shaking my head as I type!) So over the past week the Lord has showed me that I'm not the only girl that does this. In fact there are a lot of girls, and I can't help but to assume a few boys, that do this.
The most memorable "What If" conversation I had was with a sweet girl named Gracen who I got to sit down and talk about life with recently. Through our time together she shared a "What If" scenario with me she had been struggling with and in that moment God made it very clear to me that I have got to let Him teach me personally how to stop this kind of worrying in my own life so that I may encourage other believers who struggle with it, too.
Did you catch that italicized word? Worrying. It makes me cringe. I like to pride (I know I know. This is also an issue I'm
working struggling through) myself in the fact that I do the least amount of worrying in my family. So maybe you're like me and you don't worry. Oh no, never! We trust the Lord always! We just also like to come up with ridiculously crazy "what if" scenarios in our head that haven't happened and probably never will happen. But rest assured, we're not worrying. We're trusting and what if-ing.
In the quietness of the room I am writing in I can almost hear God say, "You must only trust."
How my heart longs to be able to trust. I hope and pray that my trust issues brought on by earthly relationships will stop bleeding over into my personal relationship with Jesus. Psalm 13:5 says, "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation." If I did more than just tweet this verse and truly lived it out, there would be no room for "What ifs" in my heart. If I did what the old hymn says and turned my eyes upon Jesus and looked fully in His wonderful face, then I would need not worry about anything else.
Because though there are a lot of issues involved with worrying, I personally believe the root of this issue is that I lose sight of what Jesus did. My Pastor Ronnie Floyd reminded us this week that on the cross Jesus drank the cup of the wrath of God. (John 18:11). Praise His Name forever, right? He saved me from the very worst "What if" scenario I could ever imagine. What if I was separated from the presence of God for eternity? I physically shutter at the thought of that. Praise the Lord that that "what if" is not even possible for me because I have given my life to Jesus, my Lord and Savior.
So if Jesus can save me from the self-destructiveness of my sins, I suppose I can take my "what ifs" to foot of the cross and lay them down each and every day. Then each and every day I can get up, recite Psalm 13:5, and spend the day praising the One who paid my debt and trust that as long as He is Savior and Lord of my life I have no need to "what if" any anxious thought.
Praying for those who read this,